Stronger than this...

Life was perfect. Yes. I'm lying. Life is never perfect. No body's life was perfect. But I was happy. Loving mother, caring brother, a group of people one might call friends, I was not excellent at academics, I was average. Again, I was happy. And then it stopped. They did not stop loving or caring.

Something had attached itself within itself and it was eating me from inside. Day-by-day I grew more and more dark. By dark I don't mean towards dark magic. By dark I mean, I was falling in a pit where it grew darker all the time. I was smiling and laughing outside but inside me, all the pieces were crumbling. I had no idea what had happened to me. I simply stopped. I got stuck somewhere along the way. I wanted to be happy. I did everything that was in my hand, then I stopped. I gave up hopes. I simply decided to myself that this was supposed to be my life. I never talked to anyone. I always thought it was going to bother others, and I did not want to be a problem in their lives, they were dealing with lot already. I was walking on the road alone. With no light. I did not know when was the road going to end but I kept one thing in mind, Winston Churchill had once said, "If you are going through hell, keep going." and that is what I did. I kept going on and on, I kept walking, But I was alone. I was pretending. I thought pretending to be happy would be easier than explaining what was happening to me. I was at loss of words. All I wanted to be was invisible. I did not want people to look at me, because I was scared that one day someone was going to look into me and I had no answers. I was not quitting, life had quit on me. And deep inside, I wanted someone to know what was happening to me. But I had no courage. So I became invisible.

I wanted to curl up inside my blanked and lay there. And I did. I skipped school and later on college. I skipped lunches and breakfast. That was the time when the term 'attention-seeker' had come with a full blast. I did not wanted to be called that. So I stay shut, inside my self, inside my home. I had hidden myself. I found out I was good at it. People cut themselves to reveal the pain. I never did that. I was scared someone was going to see m scars and ask why. I involved myself in subjects like Psychology and Philosophy. On one side I was completely in denial. I was reading and studying more about depression and its side effects. The more I read, the more I denied.Somehow, mom knew. Moms always know. She saw that I did not touch the food when I was home alone. She asked me why had I lost appetite, as usual I had no answer so I lied. And just to prove I was alright I started eating. I don't know what happened to me. Any little thing that made me upset, I walked into the kitchen and ate whatever I found. Sugar, biscuits, cake, salads, anything. Slowly I grew more hungry. But not the regular kind of hungry. I started craving for food items that were high with sugar and fats. Slushies and smoothies, pizzas, burgers, cheesecakes, drinking soda. It kept getting worse, I knew this was emotional hunger. Food became my best friend. It was scary, but pleasant. I felt calm for a few hours after I had eaten. I NEEDED FOOD.                                     

                                                                                                 

It kept getting worse. And I kept getting out of control and when I realized what I was doing... it was almost too late. My mind had somewhat convinced me that people don't need me. And I was angry, all the time. I did not even know where was my anger directed towards. I was angry with myself, I was angry with the world around me, I was angry with life. And then I stopped feeling things. I felt empty. Then I met someone. No he was not "the love of my life" neither was he my "best friend". But he was there. I did not stop eating food neither did I get out of the darkness. But I found some courage. Courage to walk ahead in that darkness. It was scary but I  kept walking. First I was walking only because I liked the darkness. I still love darkness but I hope for light. And I hope you do the same. Speak up. People care. We just don't see them. People really care. Just try to open up. I know its difficult, but it's for our own good. Try.. Because you are stronger than you think, you are beautiful than you know, and you make a difference. Don't shut yourself. Let your soul breathe. Live. Because people care. I care. We all do.

You are a fighter. And you are fighting beautifully. You are going to win this war. I believe in you. We all do. and I won't ask you to get out of it because I know one cannot "just get out of it" But don't let your thoughts eat you alive. You are stronger. I know you are. Stop being so hard on yourself. There is light. And you will find it. Don't give up so soon. Smile. You deserve the smile.  You are stronger than all the depression, anxiety attacks, maniac episodes, eating disorders, you are stronger than all of this combined together. You matter. Life sucks! I know it does. But don't give it the right to fuck with you. 

                             "Start controlling your life, before it starts controlling you."

-Nidhi Paralikar